2024-11-16: ughhh
Saw three motorcycles on my way home today. Was extremely close by the last one. I think his bike was red? It might’ve been the guy I saw the other day. I got a little giddy inside. Don’t know how he looks under the helmet but I have a tendency to start simping for characters with obscured faces so I guess that’s why I could say I kind of like this dude. But that’s weird since it’s in real life. That’s clearly an adult and you’re a wannabe badass in 8th grade.Got yelled at by a classmate today during PE baseball. I didn’t know I was supposed to catch the ball when they bunt it. I was the catcher, behind the slugger… hitter? Whatever. He yelled at me. Then when we came back from the locker rooms my kinda friends said he was ranting and bitching about me not doing anything. I’m the catcher. I’m supposed to catch the ball from the pitcher. No one was pitched to— they all hit it off from the… stand for the ball. I don’t like PE baseball anymore.
Came home and found stains on my pants. Which didn’t make sense because I covered everything. Sat in the bathroom, sat in my closet, and cried for a few minutes. My eyes are still heavy and hot with tears. Sometimes I hate being a girl.
I didn’t… like today. I fucking hated it. Again I felt like an outcast from all my friends. Hung out alone again at lunch. I feel shitty, I wanna disappear… why did I start crying about blood stains on my pants? Too much information? This is my diary, you came here to read it. I hate my life right now. This is the second time in a row. Can I just kill myself already???? I’m sick and tired of being me.
I’m not capable of anything good. I can mess up a game of baseball, I can act as a paperweight in a friend group, I can humiliate myself in front of my entire school without knowing, I know that. But what can I do that’s positive? I can’t do anything literally no one would notice it if I suddenly disappeared I want to stop existing I hate being a girl I hate being emotional I hate being over-reactive I hate being sensitive I hate being myself can I die can I die can I die let someone else take my place on earth cause damn right anyone deserves this over me
My parents are so damn caring and loving and my living situation is better than average I’d say but im stupid im weird im lazy im unmotivated im spiteful im a burden im me and I hate hate hate hate hate that
Fuck